And that’s to have Cream Team’s roster. Jesus Frackin’ Christ, guys. Have you seen that monster in Cream Team’s pants? It’s like, dayum, you can be the most evangelical hater of gayness and still want to see Cream Team fuck with that thing. That thang is dangerous. That thang is going to kill someone.
In a long season that has born witness to the demise of my fantasy basketball enjoyment (huge shoutout to Jalen Suggs), we can take solace in the constantly healthy God Roster that Cream Team owns. My goodness. We’re all just playing for scraps. Cream Team owns everything with the interest on his wealth. The only way forward is to kill him and democratically disperse his assets (players).
Gosh guys, is this how all of you felt last year when John and I rode Selfish Shai to a 17-2 regular season record? At least I took that and fed the needy with free league entertainment! Cream Team is racist to he’s just keeping all of his houses empty while the people (us!) hang on by a thread to avoid sleeping next to Crashout Markus and my Crashout Sister in a San Francisco encampment. Wild how we just accept it without demanding Cream Team be taxed at a rate that doesn’t turn society into a burning hellscape that we light on fire and blow up. Jesus Christ.
And George almost beat him?!?!? WOW!!!!
Is George going to trade with Nathan for Kawhi now? Because that’s what’s next after the annual Taking Advantage of Token Trade. Lowkey, that wasn’t as bad as last year’s TATT but it was still pretty wild that Token owned a healthy Jalen Johnson and decided that it would be prudent to trade those 20-20-20’s for two players on a tanking Pacers team. We’re highkey over roasting Token’s black ass for being a retard that cheapens this league by not setting his lineups and agreeing to trades that make other serious teams better.
But Jalen Johnson might get injured!
OK, we’ll see I guess, but Andrew Nembhard has been below replacement-level while playing games. We love Uncle Pascal, my dad’s oldest and best friend from Cameroon, but he’s not on the same level as Jalen Johnson’s lightskin ass. Sorry, Uncle Pascal, but we’re talking about stats. We know that Jalen doesn’t have your heart, your huge balls, or your enlightenment as a conduit to heaven. This is fantasy basketball, Uncle Pascal. Not playoff basketball. You’re a champion, Uncle Pascal. We will never forget that.
I guess George is about to be the eighth seed and give Cream Team an honest matchup with the first round playoff war. That’s good!
Oh, and guess what guys?! John and I won a week! Yes, we were due for some good shooting, and Professional Basketball Thinker Matthew Huang had a truly pathetic performance from his team despite the return of Nikola “Lord Voldemort” Jokic. But guys, my team is finally getting healthy! It won’t last but it’s happening now! Don’t look at the photos of Onyeka “Donkey” Okongwu after Jaylen “Tin Man” Brown elbowed him! Don’t do it!
But yeah, John and I aren’t a serious team this year. Sorry guys. Maybe if we can have a healthy 2 weeks upcoming and give Patrick an honest matchup, we can revisit the coma that John and I are under. For now, though? Let’s embrace George as the upstart league commissioner whose systematic racism takes advantage of black business (team) owners to make his own team have an unfair advantage. George, let me get this straight. You can harvest Token for his black organs, but I can’t harvest Nathan for his Mexican organs?!? You got the league votes to not allow me to implement my own mercantilism?! Ugh. You’re the worst, George. Racist! Giannis isn’t Greek! He’s a Yoruban warrior from Nigeria!
General Week 14 Notes:
- Shadow Manager decided to stop going down the death spiral that he immediately embarked on after starting 7-1. Huge shout-out to PBTMH for having a pathetic team. PBTMH, John and I NEVER have stress-free wins like the one you just allowed us to have! Ever since Austin Reaves got injured the first time, we’ve been getting boatraced on the first day of the matchup and getting wrecked. Not against you, though! Thanks for that!
During the last matchup against PBTMH, Mikal “Mr Attendance” Bridges was getting a lot of blocks, points, and 3PM. Not this time! This time, PBTMH was riding Moses Moody and Draymond Green to the cellar. Great job by PBTMH to entice David into trading 2 healthy players for Darius Garland who consistently does not play. That’s world-class managing! Once CTESPN pumps up a real-life trade involving one of your injured players, you can go to David and be like, “Hey David, relax guy, you know that player who you saw on your phone notification because they were traded to the Clippers?! Well, you can have them! Hey, relax guy, just give me 2 healthy players. Yeah, don’t worry guy, that injury that prevented Darius Garland from playing was just because Darius had bad vibes with Donovan Mitchell. It had nothing to do with Donovan getting rightfully pissed off at Darius for being a little bitch who could never play. Relax guy!”
Great job, PBTMH. That’s how you take advantage of the dumb, tax-paying middle class. Don’t forget to tell yourself how David is happy to be your bitch. Maybe try repeating the phrase “trickle down economics” to yourself. PBTMH, the words don’t matter when you’re talking to slaves like David. What matters is the tone of your voice. If you believe what you’re saying strongly enough, then little imps like David will believe it.
- Monkey Mikey actually led the league in 3PM and cracked Nathan. Goddamn, I freakin’ hate how Nathan beat me. You ask yourself who on Monkey Mikey’s team helped him lead the league in 3PM. You look at the matchup totals and you find out that it was Matas Buzelis, Kon Knueppel’s thicc azz, Sandro Mamukelashvili (FUN name to say), and Anfernee Simons. Oh, by the way, Joel “Ebola” Embiid has been a top-5 player over the past 2 weeks! Wow!
- Token lost a close matchup with Brett that John and I really needed Token to win. John and I are being let down by Token just like the kids that Token will have and then immediately abandon. C’mon, Token. Kids need a dad!
- Crashout Markus took advantage of the fact that David has the worst team in the league. The Lakers giveth, and the Lakers taketh away. David, can I trade you “Oh” Devin Booker and Jalen Suggs for Lord Luka?
- John’s Roommate lowkey put a beatdown on Patrick! Wow! We left John’s Roommate for dead and he goes out and does that?!? OK! And John’s Roommate lost turnovers?!? Wow! I guess my cleppy brother, Ryan Rollins, put the team on his back with 3PM. Ryan and I call each other every week to talk through how we’re sticking together and paying for everything now. Ryan can’t go to Target anymore because he decided that the impulse to steal body wash was too strong. I can’t go to Target anymore because of a trespassing order. We both complain about how shitty it is to visit mega stores and not walk out with $100 of free stuff. Oh, the old days!
Patrick is finding out how precarious it is to ride the Wizards and Jazz! And he has Michael “Boy Toy” Porter! Patrick, you don’t want players on tanking teams!
- Cream Team actually almost lost to George. Cream Team led the league in steals which is actually one of the categories that he has not had a consistent monopoly on. How did that happen this week? De’Anthony Melton and Kevin “Durantula” Durant. Hey, can the Durantula have his annual injury already? It’s so stupid how the Durantula has been so healthy.
Someone tell Token how good Rudy “French Rejection” Gobert has been. Tell him that, and then move on because Token can’t comprehend advanced topics like “rebounds”, “field goal percentage”, or “blocks”.
AWARDS!
Award for Person Who Made Shadow Manager Look Like A Complete Buffoon:
- Token.
All right guys, hear me out. I’m a complete buffoon because I’m not constantly canvassing the retards of the league like Token to fleece them out of Jalen Johnson. George had the competitive stamina to constantly negotiate with Token to swindle him out of a healthy Jalen Johnson; I did not! So I’m a buffoon because I didn’t take advantage of Token like I should’ve, and Token made me look like a buffoon for not offering him Devin Booker for Jalen Johnson.
Award for Most Incompetent Owner:
- PBTMH.
For having the pathetic week he just had despite owning the Dark Lord. It’s real witchcraft and wizardry how PBTMH has a team that I just boatraced eleven though he has the Dark Lord. Shout out Amen Thompson for being disappointing. In this league, you need to make shots and all of Amen’s shot attempts are prayers. Amen.
Bars.
Award for Most Impressive Team:
- Cream Team.
Same as last week. Cream Team is going to keep winning this award because his team is disgustingly amazing. It’s what happens when you add Derik Queen off free agency while nailing pretty much every draft pick. He even has a Hornet! Brandon Miller! Too bad he didn’t name his team “Brandon Miller Gun Club”.
Let these niggas know who you is, Cream Team!
Award for Biggest Surprise:
- Jalen Suggs.
For playing a whole week and not getting injured! Wow! Don’t worry, he’ll separate his shoulder doing something retarded the second Franz Wagner starts playing again.
Award for Biggest Dipshit:
- Token.
Trading away Jalen Johnson for Uncle Pascal and Nembhard. The Pacers are trying to lose games so they keep their pick. Jalen Johnson has been getting 15-15-15’s. George will find a replacement-level player who does the same work as Nembhard. Uncle Pascal, bless his heart, will not equal Jalen Johnson’s stats. Oh well. It’s what we have become accustomed to with Token bringing down the league.
Award for PMoose:
- PMoose.
Hey, PMoose, 2 years ago you had Victor Wembanyama and Lord Voldemort on your team and you STILL DIDN’T WIN. Who cares what you’re doing this year? Who cares what you’ll do ever again? Not me! Not anyone with a brain! Your team doesn’t matter because it has you, and you screwed up having Wembanyama and Lord Voldemort. There is no amount of talent that you can not RUIN. Gfy.
Award for Token:
- Token.
Token, I like to visit coffee shops around this wasteland that I’m currently marooned at. I like hearing the conversations that other people have that completely ignore how the rich are fucking the working class. I like hearing these wrinkled housewives talk about college admissions like college isn’t something that has changed into a resort for rich kids. Really, it just feels nice to be around the frogs that the rich are boiling so slowly that they don’t even know they’re going to die. Token, sometimes I need a break from having this posh tech job as a “data engineer”. Sometimes I need a break from the reality that, despite having a job that thousands of Indians and Chinamen would kill for, I am still never going to own assets unless the Pakistani slaves who I employ start getting shit cracking. Yes, Token, they’re working on it. But I listen to these mothers talk, and I just get the warm and fuzzies from proximity to the lies they’ve convinced themselves of. Lies you tell yourself about whatever you think regarding “basketball”. Token, you’re on fucking Mar,s and we’re all over here on Earth. Have fun though!